"Ashia" a blogger I read said the follow:

"Guilt is what you feel when you’ve done something wrong.

Shame is what you feel when someone else has done something wrong and you’re taking responsibility for it.”

That definition has given me lots of “aha moments” both for myself and other people.

So i corrected myself.

Everyone deserves respect.

Part of the point of the BDSM community is that we understand that one can be submissive, can be into cock worship and spankings and all kinds of things and still deserve respect. They do not need to know me personally to know that. i don’t have to “earn” that respect – it’s a starting place for all of us.

It that’s not the starting place for them, that’s about them, not me."

She has such incite. I just loved what she had to say.

What a turn around two weeks can make....

so it has been two weeks since we went to our first demo and things sure have turned around. He is willing to talk about the lifestyle and even agreed to go to a spanking party but then found out it was 2 hours away. So we're not going to the spanking party but we did go to the Social Friday night. It was at a Gay Bar here in town. Met up with my friend and her husband from high school. Had a great time. Met a few new people and enjoyed ourselves.

He told me it has help to be able to talk with someone else that wasn't really interested in this lifestyle but their spouse wants to be, so things are great right now. We are talking and looking forward to spending time and learning more together.

Conflicted

I'm so conflicted right now. I really need to talk to the husband but there doesn't seem to be any time. He has been working and hasn't been home. The short time he has been home he has been too busy to really sit down and talk. And what I want to talk about needs time, maybe days of time to talk about, discuss, mull over, digest.

Where are we going? What are we doing? Does he want to go there with me? How far does he want to go, if so? A D/S or A DD? Will he talk about it? Will he really listen or just pretend too? Is he willing to talk to someone who knows a lot more about this lifestyle to learn about it or will he turn his back once again? I want to learn. I need to learn. I have to learn about this. It is a craving in my soul. I need to be able to give the control up to him and only him. I trust him with my life and soul. I know that he would never take it to far but I need that release and he is the only one that can give it to me. I know he doesn't understand that but I hope I can convey it to him.

My job sucks right now. I want to quit but can't because we need the insurance. I feel the pressure to make sure I don't loose my job but I don't know how long the company will stay open because they can't pay their bills. So how can I keep my job if the company can't pay their bills. Are they even paying the insurance? Are they paying our taxes? Are we going to walk into work one day to find the doors locked to us and we're screwed? How will we manage if I loose my job?

I'm discontent and don't want to end up like my Dad was in his job. Grumpy and mean to the people I'm suppose to love because I hate my job. I don't want to be bitter like my Mom because my sister and brother are assholes and treat her like shit.

I'm just very very unhappy at the moment and I don't see how to fix it.

Lost feeling

I've had a lost feeling the last several weeks. Things in both work life and home life seem to be up in the air. I can't get a grip on anything. I feel out of control and I don't like this feeling.

My work - we lost a major account. It just happened to be my account, no fault of my own, the money grubbers in accounting wanted more money so they made demands on the client. He found someone else to do the work. Stupid a.. accounting department. I don't know why they had to stick they noses in were it didn't belong. So now, they don't know what they are going to do with me. I could become the flunky to two people in our department and I don't know if I want that or not. I don't mind the work but it is not what I planned to do with my life. Yeah, I'm 44 years old and don't know what I want to be when I grow up.

Home life - we were suppose to talk about D/S vs. DD relationship tonight but that didn't happen. He was busy trying to get his computer set up for a large work project this week. I know that has to be done but I really needed to talk with him. We did manage to squeeze in 1 1/2 hours of yoga which did us both good. We haven't gone in several months. I think it helps keep me centered. Too think we use to go at least twice a week and then I would do it at home at least that many times. Plus mediation, which I haven't done in six months or more. The treadmill got dug out of its corner over the weekend so I'm going to get my butt back on it this week. It still doesn't solve the communication problem we are having but I'll try again tomorrow to talk with him. I just hope he at least read from some of the links I sent him but I don't think he did, thus the avoiding of the subject tonight.

Demo Virgin or Is this your first time here?

So we went to our first Demo Saturday night. After we paid and walked in a little ways, this women walks up to me and says I know you. Of course, I would meet someone I haven't seen since high school. Of all places, LOL. We talked for a while and she told me, that this was their 3rd time coming to a meeting/demo and that her husband had got her to come to the meetings. While I had gotten my husband to come to it. (Why is it the submissive one is the one talking the Dominate one into going to these?)

The demo was on Flogging. Yes, Flogging. It was a great demo. Husband said he learned somethings and that we would try them. I introduced him to someone I had met with over a year ago and it was nice seeing her and her boy again.

We got to see our first dungeon. It was interesting. There were a few people taking advantage of the equipment but it seemed pretty quiet. Of course, I'm just guess at this since it was our first time there.

Being the wall flower that I am, I saw a couple of other people that I might of befriend on another site but was to chicken to just walk over to them and say hi - I'm heather. We've talked on ... Maybe next time, at least I hope there will be a next time.

Guilt - Deserved or Nor?

So I'm holding the husband to a promise he made me a year ago. He promised to go to a demo with me but it had to be one I really wanted to go to and have meaning to me. So that day has come or will come on Saturday when a Flogging demo is held. And of course, he doesn't want to go. But after a long talk on the phone, we are going.
Now I feel guilty for forcing him to go. I know he doesn't want to go and the only reason he is going is because I want to go. Oh and I said I would go without him. I know I know that is really bad, but I really want to go to this demo. They don't offer it often and I think he could learn a lot from seeing the proper way to flog. I know it will be to intense for him. He grew up in a house hold that always showed proper respect for women - no hitting. So for him to flog me or spank me is asking a lot of him.
He tried to joke about it by the end of the conversation, telling me I had to pay the cost to get in (I had to confess that I was already a member and had been for 2 years, so it won't cost me to get in until the membership runs out). That got an "Oh, really" out of him. I didn't hide it. I wrote a check for the membership. I just didn't tell him what it was for.
But the guilt has set in already so by Saturday - it should be really bad. Knowing my luck, I'll make myself sick worrying about the guilt of making him keep his promise.
The joy of life.

Frustration

He promised me a year ago that he would go to a demo with me. One that I really wanted to go to, that was of real interest to me. So now that, that time has come, he is backing out. I just want to scream. We talked briefly about it yesterday while I was at work, not the best place to discuss a Flogging demo. He said we'd talk about it me when I got home.
The minute I walked in the door, he was all over me. Grabbed me, pulled me to him and started dominating me. I loved ever minute of it but he was avoiding the subject we needed to talk about all evening.
He waited until I was climbing into bed to bring it up. I said "Can talk about it tomorrow?" Him knowing that he wouldn't be home that evening to talk about anything said yes. So come Saturday night, I'm sure we won't be going to the demo. Or maybe he won't be going and I'll put my foot down and go by myself.