Conflicted

I'm so conflicted right now. I really need to talk to the husband but there doesn't seem to be any time. He has been working and hasn't been home. The short time he has been home he has been too busy to really sit down and talk. And what I want to talk about needs time, maybe days of time to talk about, discuss, mull over, digest.

Where are we going? What are we doing? Does he want to go there with me? How far does he want to go, if so? A D/S or A DD? Will he talk about it? Will he really listen or just pretend too? Is he willing to talk to someone who knows a lot more about this lifestyle to learn about it or will he turn his back once again? I want to learn. I need to learn. I have to learn about this. It is a craving in my soul. I need to be able to give the control up to him and only him. I trust him with my life and soul. I know that he would never take it to far but I need that release and he is the only one that can give it to me. I know he doesn't understand that but I hope I can convey it to him.

My job sucks right now. I want to quit but can't because we need the insurance. I feel the pressure to make sure I don't loose my job but I don't know how long the company will stay open because they can't pay their bills. So how can I keep my job if the company can't pay their bills. Are they even paying the insurance? Are they paying our taxes? Are we going to walk into work one day to find the doors locked to us and we're screwed? How will we manage if I loose my job?

I'm discontent and don't want to end up like my Dad was in his job. Grumpy and mean to the people I'm suppose to love because I hate my job. I don't want to be bitter like my Mom because my sister and brother are assholes and treat her like shit.

I'm just very very unhappy at the moment and I don't see how to fix it.