Death Sets Among Us

Yesterday I received the call that I was dreading.  One of my best friends husband's had passed away.  He had been fighting a rare lung disease for 4 years and his heart gave out on him.  He had been in he hospital for over almost a week and a half.  He had been on a ventilator when he first went into the hospital because he had spotted breathing and the ambulance crew vented him.  They took him off the vent a week ago Tuesday and he was breathing on his own.  Making improvements.  Setting in a chair.  Talking to his wife, kids and family. 

Than this Tuesday he took a turn for the worse.The doctor's on Tuesday gave him 5 to 7 more days. He was able to talk with his kids and tell them how much he loved them.  How proud he was of them and that he would not be around much longer.  Yesterday he left this world.  My friend will never have his arms around her again.  Never hear his voice.  Never know that his is there for her when she needs him.  Nothing can replace that emptiness. 

She is surrounded by her family right now so she doesn't need me at the moment.  But I will be there whenever she does.  Her Mom is a wonderful person and went through this loss two years ago (almost to the day).  So she will be a great comfort to her daughter.  

I cried in R's arms as I thought about her and her loss.  I told R that my life would be over without him.  I wouldn't know how to go on. 

So now I wait for news from her as to the arrangements and what she needs me to do.  I'll continue to cover for her at work (yes, she's my boss also but they've both been our friends for over 20 years).  I know that I have to keep things going at work so she doesn't have to worry about that area of her life.  I just wish there was more I could do.  I wished there was more I could do when he was alive but he refused a transplant and the insurance wouldn't cover it.  He didn't want to leave his family destitute because of his medical issues.

I know we all are heading forward death but I don't like it when it takes someone close to me. 

Death sets among us

Waiting to pick us off

There is no rhythm or reason

For whom he takes from your life

It could be you or the one you love the most

It could be a friend and your friends most beloved

Remember he lurks in the back ground day and night

Waiting patient to take them away from you

Or  you way from them

Death sets among us waiting for his que

Merry Christmas or Happy Chanukah

I hope everyone has a Merry Christmas or Happy Chanukah.  We will be having a quiet Christmas Eve as R has to work.  Then we'll be spending Christmas Day with my parents.  We really enjoy spending the day with them as no one else in the family comes over so it is just the four of us and it is very relaxing.

R already has his main gift (an IPhone) and is happily learning to use it.  He finally gave up his 6 or 7 year old razor.  I think he will really enjoy the phone once he gets use to it.  Of course, he has already yelled at me for texting him.  I told him just because I text doesn't mean he has to look at it right then.  He was driving at the time (like I'm a mind reader and knew that at the time).  He called me on the land line and yelled at me (cussed at me actually and I hung up on him).  He apologized when he got home.  And no I didn't get a spanking for hanging up on him because he knew he was wrong for cussing at me.

I already have my main gift also.  Yes, I know we are a couple of little kids that can't wait to unwrap our gifts.  R bought me a Kindle Fire.  I love it but  then I loved my Kindle 2 and Kindle 3 also.  So now R wants my Kindle 3.  I haven't given it up yet.  It is lighter weight then the kindle fire so in certain times it would be easier to carry and R doesn't read as much as he use too. 

I don't know what else is under the tree. Okay, I do know what a few things are because I bought them for myself and handled them to R to wrap.  Just little things like PJ's.  Need those when we go visit his family, don't think they would appreciate our joy of sleeping in the nude.  LOL

My friends husband has improved so that is the best Christmas gift of all.  

Have a wonderful holiday season. 

The week before Christmas and all was not quiet

It has been a very stressful week so far.  R's Uncle passed away Saturday and he went to the funeral yesterday. I didn't go with him because my best friends husband is in the hospital on a ventilator and my not make it.  His wishes are not to be on a ventilator, so she is left with a very tough choice-follow his wishes or not. 

So yesterday she did it, they took him off the ventilator.  I waited and waited for her to call.  I really wanted to be there with her but she needed me to be taking care of some other things for her, so I was doing as she asked.  Finally she called he was breathing on his own.  He even spoke to her a little.  He'll have to be on stronger oxygen when he gets home and hospice will have to be there ever day with him but hopefully he will be home soon.  He has a terminal lung disease so he will never get better. 

I was so worried that she was going to lose him.  I know she has been preparing for the day it happens but it came very close this time and no matter how much you think you are prepared, you never are prepared for the death of a loved one. 

So please cherish the ones you love and even the ones you don't.  I know I'll be holding R closer to me this holiday season as he is the only gift I need.

Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukah and Happy New Year!

heather1

Weird happening at Vanilla party

So Saturday night we're about ready to leave the party.

We're standing with my sister-in-law and brother-in-law and the gentleman walks up to us.  He looks directly at me and starts says, The masochist says to the Sadist, "Beat me, beat me."  The Sadist says to the masochist, "No." Lucky at this point someone else walked up and joined us, so nothing was else was said.

It was very weird and distributing.  I just looked at the guy with wide eyes and moved closer to R.

The next morning I asked R about it and he said it was a really old joke.  I told him I thought it was weird that this guy that we didn't know would walk up to us and tell it.  And that he was looking at me the whole time he did it.  I still feel very uncomfortable when I think about it. 

I wonder it he has been at a function we have attended but most of them are small enough that we would have recognized him (all except the auction we attended recently).

Spanking Party

Last night we went to a spanking party.  There was a demo about Birching and its history.  That Sudan still uses Birching as a punishment today.  After the history lesson, the (I'll call him the instructor) had a demo doll (just love that term) come up on the stage and he showed how a Birching would have happened back in the day.  She received 10 strokes plus 2 more for being late for the demo.  LOL  It was very interesting but I would not want to be smacked with Birch.  You could hear pieces of the birch breaking off each time it landing on her backside.

Before and After the demo there was a pot luck.  And the dungeon was open for play after the  demo.  There were also door prizes to be given away later in the evening.  R was looking forward to bending me over and smacking my backside but there were a lot of people so the dungeon was very busy.  After several hours of socializing and watching, R took me to a corner and bent me over a table (he got tired of waiting for a station to open up). 

Since he had spanked me the day before and normally there are several days between spankings, I really felt it when his hand landed on my backside.  I think he enjoyed this fact.  Actually, I know he did because he laughed.  Evil laugh.  After he had fun using his hand, paint stick, cane, flogger and then his hand again.  He let me up and laughed again.  I think he is really starting to like this DD stuff or at least the spanking part. 

When the raffles for the door prizes started (there were lots of prizes), R won a Ratton Cane (provided by Mistress Deborah, she owns a wonderful store here in the area).  Of course, R wanted to try it out.  Ouch, it is even snapper than his favorite one.  It's longer and more flexible.  He got a few ouches and lots of wiggles out of me. 

It was a wonderful evening.  We have another party tonight but it is very vanilla so I think R will leave the canes at home.  Or at least I hope so.  Life is good and we are really enjoying our time together even more now than any time before.

Collar

R gave me a diamond necklace on my 40th birthday that I always wear but he removed it Saturday night so that he could put a leather collar on me for the auction.  I had talked with him about wanting to feel more secure when we were there, if he were to leave me alone, so people would know that I was taken.  Since it wasn't only going to be the normal crowd of people but the auction was open to other groups in the area (a swingers group was one of them - I didn't want any confusion that I or we were interested ). 

When we went to bed he removed the leather collar but did not put the diamond back on me.  Since it was after 2 in the morning, I think we both just were to tired to remember.  I didn't think about it on Sunday but Monday when I was a work I kept reaching for my necklace.  I felt naked without it.  Like a part of me was missing.  Although, it is not a traditional slave or submissive (or DD) symbol, the diamond necklace is to us, my collar.  As soon as I got home, I ran upstairs got it and handed it to R.  Life felt right after it was around my neck again. 

Fetish Auction

Saturday night we went to a Fetish Auction.  We love auctions and have gotten most of our furniture from them.  It's nice having a relative who owns an upholstery shop and we refinish the wood ourselves.  But, of course, while their was a few pieces of furniture there, it was not the normal sofa or chair but a St. Andrew's Cross, a stockade, a gynecologist table and a few more pieces of "furniture".  Then there was a whole lot of other kinky items.  It was a live auction and a silent auction at the same time.  The money raised went to a charity.  It was great fun and over $6000.00 was raised for a good cause.

We bid on several items but were out bid on all of them.  We tried but had our budget set.  We did end up buy an item from another couple after the auction.  They had bid on a gift basket and one of the items in the basket they didn't want and it was something I had wanted a lot.  R knows how much I love purses (almost as much as I love shoes) so the auction had several bustier purses in the silent auction.  I thought we were the winning bidder on at least one of the them but someone did a last minute bid and we lost out.  But R got me on in the end.  I'm going to carry it to work today.  Should be a fun day.  I just love it.

We stayed until 1 am and were really hungry so headed home but stopped at one of the only places opened at that time of the morning McDonald;s and got some ground clown.  (Yes, R calls it ground clown and has for so long that now I do too). 

I didn't get a public spanking Saturday night but R made up for it Sunday night.  He got out the other canes to try them out again and decided he did like the next size up.  Got a big reaction out of me.  Now I don't know if I want to order more canes for him for Christmas (or is it really a gift for me?)

This coming weekend we have a spanking party Friday night and a vanilla Christmas party Saturday night.  Plan to just relax on Sunday.

Hope everyone had a great weekend.  I know I did.

Happy Thanksgiving

I hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving.  We are enjoying are stress free day and are going to go see the Plaza lights turn on for the first time.  We've only lived in the area for over 30 years.  LOL

Enjoy your holiday with your loved ones!

R going to the grocery store

R only has one assignment today so he offered to finish up the Thanksgiving Day grocery shopping.  I don't think he knew what he was getting into with his offer but I snapped it up quick.  I'm not a fool.  I told him the last minute things we needed.  We already had the turkey, potatoes, bread for stuffing etc.  So we just needed a few things to finish off the meal. 

Of course, R wants a homemade pumpkin pie.  He's called me twice since he's gotten to the store.  Asking were to find things.  LOL  I'm at work but I'm still trying to guide him around the store.  It is so sweet that he is trying to pick up everything else we need for the day - that or he really wanted to make sure he gets his pumpkin pie. 

The Uninvite

So after I posted what inconsiderate people my siblings where on facebook for not calling my Mom after her surgery, I've been uninvited to Thanksgiving.  Do they think this is a big deal to me?  I really wonder if they do.  They are two of the most selfish people I know.  Who wouldn't call their own Mother after they had surgery.  My sister (or should I call her my ex-sister) used my facebook page to see how my Mom was doing.  What a bitch.  Pick up the phone and call her.  You knew she was having surgery.  If you had bothered to call her the week or even a few days before the surgery you would have found out that your Dad was sick and unable to take Mom to surgery.  As I am the only one that stays in constant contact with my parents, I'm the one they depend on to take them to appointments when they can't drive themselves.

My sister is pissed as me also because my niece wanted to know why I posted that message on facebook so I told her to go ask her Mother (my sister) why she cut us out of her life without explanation when my niece was still in grade school.  Oh, karma is a bitch when it comes back to bite you in the ass.  Sister didn't like the fact her daughter now knows that she is the perfect angel she tries to make herself out to be.

I don't know why she thought it wouldn't come out one day that she cut me, R, and my parents out of her life.  Therefore, the niece and nephews lives.  As R says, he still thinks of them as being in grade school because we saw them so rarely from that time on.  They are now 24 and soon to be 22.  I'm tempted to email my niece and tell her that 3 other people can confirm what I told her but at this point I don't want to waste my time. 

So my sister called my Mom last night to ask her to call me to uninvite me  Thanksgiving.  At first Mom said she would call me but Dad put a stop to it and said she could do her own dirty work.  So she texted R.  Now everyone in the family knows R does not text (bitch costs us money).  She didn't even have the guts to text me directly.  So this morning I sent her a text telling never to text R again.  Never to try to make Mom do her dirty work for her.  That I hadn't told her daughter anything I hadn't said to her face and isn't Karma a bitch when it comes back to bite you in the ass.

So we've been uninvited to Thanksgiving.  Good thing we already had a turkey.  LOL

Cane Happy

R is cane happy.  He has decided he wants a longer cane so he can lounge back in bed and smack my backside with the cane.  I think he has forgotten about his belt already or just didn't feel like getting it.  But the man does like the cane.  Says he has to use it so much to get the bend out of it.

Sure he does.  He just like the sound it makes whipping in the air before it hits my ass.  I don't bother to try to count the smacks.  He likes to do it really fast - sometimes soft and fast and sometimes hard and fast.  Then he'll do one really hard smack.  Just as he says, "to see if your awake".  HAHA

Like I could sleep through a cane smacking my ass and him laughing and enjoying himself the whole time.  Then he decided that I should choose which one I liked better the cane or his hand.  I told him which ever one he was using at the time.  LOL  He didn't go for that, told me I had to choose.  So I said his hand since he always had it with him.  Suck up I know.  That seemed to please him.  But then he decided he would take turns with his hand and the cane.

He really enjoyed himself last night.

I have a belt or Why haven't I used this before

So R came out of his closet Friday night carrying his belt.  He said, "Why haven't I ever used this on you?" I told him I didn't know.  He informed me that, that would be taken care of tonight.  He had me lay on the bed as normal and then he couldn't decide if he wanted the belt doubled over or single.  So he tried both.  He decided he liked it double over best. 

I few times I really didn't like how it felt.  R would hit a spot that would have me rising up off the bed.  Of course, he would want to know why I did that and I would have to tell him why I didn't like that particular spot being hit with the belt.  He would think about it and then decide if he would hit me there again or not.

But he still likes the cane the best.  He likes the fact that he can just flick his wrist on get a good sound against my backside.  Depending on how hard he flicks his wrist the cane can make a whistling sound before or as it hits.  I haven't figured out if I hear the sound first or feel the whack first.  LOL 

I'm going to order him a new set of canes for Christmas.  He likes this one particular size the best so I want to make sure he always has them on hand.  I really don't want him to move to the larger size ones (I didn't like them at all).   I lost count of how many times he hit me backside and thighs with the canes but he left some pretty marks that evening but they were gone the next day. 

Then, of course, there is the flogger.  Love the flogger until R starts hitting with just the the tips, then it is really stingy.  But he is the one in control so he gets to decide how it is used and when it is used. 

Oh, he remembered the ping pong paddle in the draw too Friday night.  So it was a night of new adventures and some old favorites.  Wonder what he'll find in his closet for next time. 

Very frustrated

So I went to my Weight Watchers meeting tonight or I should say I tried to go to my WW meeting tonight.  I got there only to find a note on the door that they are renovating the location and the meetings will now be held at a different location.  Well, this location is by a very busy Mall and with the holiday season starting up it will only get busier by that location.  Plus it is 15 miles from my house.  The meeting I normally go to is less than 5 miles from my house (yes, I have missed a few meetings in the past). 

I'm really frustrated that  they couldn't even let us know that they were shutting down the location.  They send me a note if I mess a meeting, so I know they have my address.  I'm going to be making a phone call tomorrow to let them know I am not happy with them.  I will not be driving to the Mall to go to a meeting in rush hour traffic, possibly in the snow (it is fall and is knew to snow around here) and there will be so much traffic around that mall that it will take hours to get in and out (and I am not kidding about that time frame).  They set up busing to other parking lots because there is not enough parking at the Mall.

Very frustrating.  I think I'll just go buy a scale and weigh myself at home.

Happy Lurkers Day!

I don't know if I have any out there but if I do - Thank you for stopping by and reading.  Please leave a note to let me know you are out there.

Hugs,
heather

Lonely week ahead

R is heading out of town again today.  He'll be gone until Thursday sometime.  Not exactly sure the time he will be back, probably late afternoon or early evening.  It's going to make for an even longer week.  I miss him so much when he is gone.  It feels like a piece of my soul is missing. 

He isn't here when I get home from work.  His office light isn't on.  The news isn't blaring out of the TV in his office (yes, it is loud).  No kisses for 3 days.  I won't have him to snuggle up to in the night. 

I won't fix dinner while he gone - why fix anything for one person?  Of course, I'll get in trouble for just eating instant mashed potatoes for dinner. 

I love that he is so talented that he is wanted but I do miss him when he is gone.  Wish I could go with him and I probable could but I would just be sitting in the hotel while he worked.  Plus I would have to find someone to watch the house and of course, our babies (2 cats).  We don't like to leave them alone - they are very spoiled.

But while R is gone I'm going to work on a Policy of Exercise Requirements, at least I think that is what we are going to call it.  Something that will include how many times a week I must exercise, how much time I must exercise, valid excuse not to exercise (sickness) and of course punishment if I don't follow these rules.  That is going to be the tricky part.  R doesn't mind the sensual spankings but punishment spankings he does not like, at all.  So we will have to come to an agreement that he can live with, since he will be the one giving the punishment.  Any suggestions?

What day is it?

The days are running together.  When the alarm went off yesterday morning I could remember what day of the week it was - did I have to go to work today?  If I didn't then why was my alarm on?  It must be a work day, then I remember it was Friday.  Oh, good the last work day of the week.

Since they laid off 1/2 of my department there is no time to spot once I get to work.  No time to breath, no time to spot to go to the bathroom, no time to spot to do anything but work.  By the time I get home, I am a mental mess.  The brain is mush. It's all I can to do to have logical conversation with R.  He understands that work is very stressful right now.  But it should not effect home but it is and I don't like that it is. 

R was trying to be nice and Thursday I came home to a bag of chocolate laying on top of my laptop.  Oh, thank you.  Later as we were soaking in the tub we were talking and I thanked him again for the chocolate but asked that he not buy me bags of chocolate because it doesn't help in me loosing weight.  I'll just eat the whole bag.  I know myself well enough to know that once that bag is open I won't stop until it is all gone. 

I'm at a 16 lb weight lose (I've gained back 1.6 lbs over the last month).  And I'm coming up on a year of going to Weight Watchers.  We talked about that and R said yes, it is 16 lbs that you haven't gained back so that is good.  So I;m going to keep going to WW, $40 a month isn't a lot but if I end out losing my job it will be one of the first things that is drop as an unnecessary luxary item.  

I'm a stress eater and I've been under a lot of stress.  I know exercise helps release stress but the exercise equipment is buried under all the garage sale stuff in the basement.  Just another thing that didn't get done this summer.  So today we are going to work on digging out the exercise equipment so that I can use it every night. 

We're also going to look for a new Yoga studio since our instructor left our old one - the new teacher isn't very good.  She starts and stops and we're not getting anything out of it.  It's an 1 1/2 hour class and if she put everything she did together without stopping you could get it done in 20 minutes.

So today will be a better day.  R is still sleeping but I think I will go start on the basement anyway.  If I set down and start reading I won't want to quit. 

I also want to talk to him about a spanking maintenance or maybe that should be discipline when I don't exercise.  He would have to use something I don't like, of course.  LOL

So next week I hope to remember what day of the week it is every day.  That seems like a simple enough goal. 

Happy Day to everyone. 

Close calls

So today was full of close calls.  My Dad is sick and my Mom had a minor surgery scheduled for today so she called me yesterday morning to she if I could take her.  She, of course, said you can just take me and drop me off and then come back and get me".  Sure Mom - like I'm going to do something like that to you.  Now my sister or brother would have but then that's way Mom doesn't call them when she or Dad needs help.

So I get out to my parents house very very early this morning and as we are leaving I fall down the stairs of the deck.  (close call #1) They only have one tiny light that doesn't light up anything, so it was very dark and you couldn't see anything.  You would think living in the house since I was 13, I would have remembered the # of steps but nope - down I went.  So we went back into the house to brush off the dirt and get a flash light so we could see where we were going this time.  We made it to the car without problems this time. 

Driving to the surgery center.  I'm driving a little over the speed limit (5 miles) on side roads (not the hwy) and I've been watching for deer this whole time as this is the time of day they start to move around.  I glance down for a second and when I glance back up - all I see is deer ass.  Mom is gasping.  And the deer is gone with just a scuff on the passenger side of the car.  (close call #2).  I was just glad we had both gone to the bathroom before we left the house.

Finally make to the surgery center.  Get Mom checked in and they take us back, Mom to her room and me to the special waiting room.  This is 7:45am cst.  They have to take Mom back 3 times before the biopsy comes back clean of cancer cells.  There is at least a 45 minute wait in between the times they take her back to the room as they have a lab to check the biopsy they've cut out.  The second time they brought her back she got her Valium out and took 2.  After about 20 minutes, she was feeling much calmer and very sleepy.  She was really scared when the nurse came and said the 3rd time to say they still need to take more.  I had to take the nurse aside to let her know about the Valium, she was glad Mom had taken it.  Hour after 3rd time into the room, the nurse came back to say that it came back clean.  They had finally gotten to cancer free cells.  (close call #3).  They took Mom back to stitch her up (another hour).  Then I got her in the car only to, of course, have to stop and get a prescription (why can't they call these in before you have these things done so you don't have to stop on your way home?)  Stopped to pick up some lunch for all of us as I didn't want Mom to try to fix something (it's her kitchen you know).  Finally got her into bed at 2:30pm.  Took me another 1 to get home.  I was going to go to work after I took my Mom home but since I get off at 4, thought it would be a little stupid to drive all the way to work for 1/2 an hour.

So it's warming up left overs for R for dinner and than a soak in the tub for me.  My butt and thigh hurt from the fall and I'm sure I'll have some wonderfully colorful bruises in the next few days.  Mom and I will have to compare.  They told her she would have two black eyes by Sunday.

Good to be alive and I'm sure I'll dream off deer butt tonight.

Weekend Ramblings

It was a beautiful weekend here.  The weather was nice enough to still hang the sheets out on the line.  There is nothing better than line dried sheets.  They smell so good, just want to hold them up to my nose and inhale as long as I can to keep the scent fresh in my mind. 

We took my car in Friday night for normal maintenance and an oil change.  I not sure how that all added up to $450 but dang so glad we have 90 days same as cash.  R doesn't allow any amount to stay on a credit card if we will get finance charge.  This has really helped keep us out of debt.  It's sucked sometimes when I've really really wanted something but that's just it, I "wanted it" not "needed it".  He's never denied me something I needed (He's made me wait to get it - LOL).  So that was the only outing I had to make this weekend, to go pick up the car Saturday. 

Cleaned house and re-potted some plants.  We seem to be able to grow aloe vera plants.  I'll see if I can find a picture of when I first brought it home and I'll take one of it now.  It bloomed this summer.  My understanding is that they don't bloom very often.  I need to find some homes for all the baby aloe vera plants we have now.  I think last count was 22 and we just re-potted 4 more.  I don't want them to die but I'm running out of room for them. 

R decided I had been a good so I deserved a spanking.  It was wonderful.  He hadn't spanked me all week, maybe that was why I was in a funk or it could just be all the stress at work.  I'll have to mention that the spanking helped and maybe we'll talk again about maintenance spankings.  R still can't get over his ad-version to"hitting" me.  I know, I know it is not hitting but to him it is.  R grew up in a house hold that you never hit a female.  But he is working on it because he knows I want to be spanked - no I need to be spanked and he is the only one that I will let do it.  Plus R would never let anyone ever touch me so he said he would be the only one to spank me. 

Sunday was a lazy day but R was very happy I baked home made chocolate chip cookies.  When I bake it's not from a box (boxes are for storage and moving).  If I'm going to bake it's going to be from scratch,  That's how I grew up.  I can taste a box cake mix - heck I can smell it before I take a bite of it.  What is great about the chocolate chip cookies is that I make a double batch so I can put a gallon size bag in the freezer for later.  Warming them up in the microwave for 10 seconds, is like just taking them out of the oven.  Hot, gooey yummy.  Now I'm getting hungry for one.  :)

I think next weekend I'll make Oatmeal Raisin Cookies from R's mothers recipe.  She had a great recipe that R loves.  He may have to work Saturday so it would be a great surprise for him when he got home.

Well, I'd better get back to work.  Yes, I'm blogging from work.   If they want me to do the job of 3 people then I'm going to take breaks to relieve the stress.  







 

So why do I take it personal?

So I don't often leave comments on others blogs but sometimes I do.  I try to keep my comments short, simple to the point and not drone on about off topic things.  So why does it bother me when they have it set up that the comments have to be approved and my comment doesn't make the cut? 

I don't know these people.  Granted I've been reading their blogs for some time, normally before I will make a comment.  Or I'll comment that I've just started reading their blog and am enjoying it.

I know that I'm no Nora Roberts of flowing prose.  But I'm honest in my opinions and comments I leave.  Just another of my stupid insecurities.  Why do I need the approval of someone I don't know, of something I said, that they don't seem to care about any way?  I've got to get a thicker skin or maybe leave my comments as anonymous from now on, but I hate when people do that, if you don't want to claim the words than don't write them.  I think I use correct punctuation and always use spell check.  I try to make sure I re-read before I post anything. 

Blah - Bite me if you don't like my comments.

The death of the Hitachi

So I killed another one.  This is the second one in 6 months.  I sent the first one back because it didn't even last two weeks.  I mean come on.  They know what we buy them for and they are not cheap.  But they sure don't last. 

R is trying to fix it.  LOL  He is sitting on the other side of the bar right now with the hitachi taken apart, trying to figure out why it quit working.  He did say it over heated.  And it did pop a couple of times the other day  and he did find that some of the wires twisted up in it.  I would think they would make it so the wire wouldn't twist up and short the thing out (especially when it is being used). 

I think I'll go back to the little rocket vibes that are cheap but work great.  At least they aren't plugged into electricity and won't short out when they are being used. 

Something to be said for batteries and rocket vibes.  I won't be wasting any more money on another Hitachi if R can't get this one fixed.  Hope no one stops by tonight with it spread out over the bar.  :)

A cat like weekend

I was a cat this weekend.  I was lazy.  I lounged around the house.  I didn't leave the house - okay I stepped outside the house to get the cats in and to help "R" hang up the sheets and towels on the line.  But I was very cat like this weekend. 

With the layoffs at work on Monday, I just wanted to wallow in self pity.  Why them and not me?  Then I didn't want to think at all, I just wanted to lay in the sun beams with the cats (yes, they did share them with me). 

I spent most of the weekend laying around reading with a cat on me.  I think they knew I needed comforting.  She would just look at me, blink her beautiful gold eyes and purr.  Then she'd start working her very sharp claws into my arms, stomach, legs or whatever she happened to have her front paws on at the time.  Yes, she really loves me. 

Thankfully "R" understood my need to just "BE".  And he was able to handle taking care of himself before we married and hasn't forgotten how to do those things so he was able to find the wash machine and do the laundry this weekend.  Granted the rest of the house didn't get cleaned but a quick vacuum is all it needs. 

I might the rest of his needs (I'm sure you can figure those out for yourself).  LOL  And I think that is also why he left me be a lazy cat this weekend.  Oh, and I did fix him a big breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast Sunday morning.  Guess this cat was hungry. 

Survivors guilt from layoff?

Can one get survivors guilt from surviving a layoff at work?  Yesterday they laid off 1/3 of my department.  I'm one of the few who was left standing in the office helping my few former co-workers clean out their desks.  Granted by this time, there had been so many lay offs that there were only 6 of us left (they let one go last month).   When I started at the company 11 years ago, there were 24 of us in the department.  But these two people were great friends and co-workers.  This is not the first place we had worked together.  In fact one of the ladies, we had work together for over 24 years at different places. 

So today I'm going to walk into the office with only 4 of us left.  We have no idea how we're going to do the jobs of seven people.  We haven't had raises in 4 years and in fact, make less money due to the rising cost of health insurance than I did 4 years ago.  I'm sure the cost of insurance will go up again this year. 

There is no rhyme or reason as to who they picked to lay off.  1 of the ladies had less time with the company and the other had more time with the company than I did.  We all basically did the same job.  I don't want to go to the place anymore.  They say they are a family friendly place to work but that is not true any more.  They've hired on 6 new people in the that 2 weeks than they lay off a bunch of people this week.  It wasn't only my department hit, every department in the company lost at least 1 person.  And it wasn't the new hires that got let go either. 

I've been with this company 11 years.  I think it is time to start looking for another job, in another industry.  I just don't know what I want to be when I grow up.

I don't know how much work I'll get done today as the boss said we're going to have to regroup to figure out how to try to make this work.  She didn't know it was happening until yesterday morning and she was really mad when she found out they were letting two of her people go.  She had no say in the matter or who they let go.  She stood in the hallway and cried with us.

Should be a stress filled day, month, rest of the year.  And I feel so guilty for still having a job and my friends not having theirs. 

Cutting my hair

So on the way home from work today I stopped and got my hair cut.  7 inches cut off.  Now that does sound like a lot and it is but my hair was down past my butt.  I was always sitting on it.  Shutting it in the car door or in the filing cabinets at work.  Now it is just past my waist. 

R is away so he doesn't know I cut hair and I'm not going to tell him.  I want to see how long it takes him to notice.  He usually takes a before and after picture but it wasn't that much (not really). 

It really needed to be cut.  It had been 5 years since I had cut it so it had a lot of split ends.  I started with just having 3 inches cut but then she showed me that to get all the split ends it would take another 4 inches, so I told her to do it.  Just do it before I run.  She sold me some conditioner to just after I wash it to help with not get split ends.  My hair grows quickly so I'm hoping within the next 6 months it will be back to being below my butt again.  So I can complain about getting it shut in the car door, filing cabinets.   :)

My head does fill a little lighter or maybe that is from the flu shot I got yesterday.

Being without him

I'm finding out what life would be like without R in it and I don't like it.  R left Monday and won't be back until Thursday. 

I've had to deal with problems at the house (R usually takes care of these things). 

There have been problems at work. 

I got the flu shot and it made me sick. 

The cats have been grumpy because he is gone (and so have I). 

It's been very lonely without him.  :(

I don't like this life without him.  I want him home and I still have two days before he is back here.  I know he will be tired when he gets back from his trip and will want to just have a quiet night.  Life is much easier with R home.  I know what to expect.  What to do.  When to do it.  I want him home.

I've never minded being alone before but this time has been different.  I think with my Gram passing recently I just need him here with me not away.  Knowing he is close, just a few minutes drive away not hours away is a big difference. 

Come home soon my Sir.

Can September get better before it ends?

I'm so hoping it does.  I went to my first WW meeting in over a month.  I thought I would have gained but I actually lost 3.4 pounds.  Boy was I shocked.  I guess subconsciously I'm still with the program.  I'm trying very hard this week to stay on the program.  Hope next Monday there will be another drop in the scale.  Now if only I would get downstairs on the treadmill or elliptical, now that would help the matter.

My mom called yesterday and left me a message at work asking me to call her and than thanking me at the the end of the message.  I thought that was really weird.  So I call her back and she asks if I have a dermatologist.  I tell her yes and she wants the name and number.  I'm like Mom did you get some news back you want to share with me?  "Oh yeah it came back positive.  I have skin cancer on my nose."  She's like it's no big deal.  I just sat at my desk shacking my head.  Only my Mom could think skin cancer was "no big deal".  Gram had skin cancer on her nose and check.  I guess Mom knew she had this spot for over 2 years and is just now getting it taken care tested.  So times I just don't get parents.  They get after you if you don't take care of yourself then they don't take care of themselves.  I'll be keeping a closer eye on her from now on.

Work is still dicey.  Never know from one day to the next if we'll have a job or not (or if the company will be able to meet payroll).  Guess I'll just keep showing up until they can't but if I was smart I'd be finding my resume and updating it.  Jobs aren't a plenty around here so it could take a while to find another one.  With "R" self employed, I'm responsible for our health insurance.  So not having a job is not an option. 

So good that I lost weight.  I just have to keep that in mind as a positive for September.

And the Angrer begins

I'm really feeling angry about my Grandmother's death.  The more I find out about what happened the madder I get at my Uncle.  She actually fell at 2:30 in the afternoon but he (nor the nursing home) didn't bother to call until 8:30 the next morning.  So my Gram's laid in a hospital bed all that time alone with no one with her.  We could have been with her.  Maybe she would have pulled through if we had been there right after it had happened or if my Uncle had bothered to go to the hospital with her.  Selfish bastard didn't even bother to go with her to the local small hospital let alone try to get to the big hospital the moved her too. 

We've found out a lot of other things since then too.  My Uncle opened up credit cards in her name and maxed them out.  Of course, he didn't pay them off.  They are in collections or have been wrote off as bad debit.  He really did a number on my Grandmother.  When she went into the nursing home 7 months ago, his cash cow went a way.  I don't know if there is any legal way to make him pay for everything that he did to my Gram but I trying to find out.  She shouldn't have had to live with him doing that to her.  He got her mail so he could hid what he was doing and he had her phone disconnected.  Oh, the big one - he canceled the insurance on the house back in June of this year and didn't tell anyone (he was still living in the house).  My mom found out when she found a letter from the insurance company that it had been canceled (Mom owns the house).  So now Mom has had to pay for insurance on the house. 

I hope karma is true and he gets his because he has a lot coming due. 

Goodbye Grams

My Grams passed away on September 4th.  She fell at the nursing home.  Isn't that the way these days? 

That's how R's my passed away also, from a fall.  She laid on the floor for 3 hours before they found her and then she had a broken hip they didn't discover for 2 months.  It caused her so much pain and they just gave her pills and more pills.  She finally ended up with pneumonia 3 months after the fall and passed away.  That was 3 years ago but recently it's felt like yesterday. 

My Gram and R's mom use to spend time together when we would visit one of them.  They lived close enough that we could drive to pick the other up and bring them to the others house.  So it really hit home when my Gram fell at the nursing home.  They didn't bother to call my Mom until almost 24 hours after the fact.  She had been sent to the Wichita hospital by then with a brain bleed.  She had been there alone for over 12 hours.  If the nursing home had called we could have been there when she arrived.  So was due to my Uncle (the bastard).

My Uncle managed to get power of Medical over my Grams and decided not to do anything to help her.  Yes, she had a brain bleed but she was a fighter.  I think she could have survived the surgery.  She  had hip surgery at 85.  What's brain surgery at 95.  She could still walk (yes, with the help of a walker), she still had her mind (it was a little fuzzy at times - but when they give her pain meds she didn't need my mind would be fuzzy too). 

I can still she her walking around her house and if you didn't get out of her way she'd run you over.  She loved working out in her yard, yes even in her 90's she worked in her yard.  She'd only been in the nursing home the last 7 months.  I hadn't had a chance to get up to see here there (5 hours drive), but that doesn't matter now, does it.  She was always doing something in her house or outside in the yard.  She was a very active person until my Uncle moved into her house.  But that is another story and not a good one.

I love you Gram and will miss you.  Rest in Peace.

Love your granddaughter.

Having fun with R

I've been having fun with R. When I turned 40, I waited until he went out of town and went and got my nose pierced. I had always wanted to do it and had told him that I wanted to do it. He didn't tell me no but he didn't tell me yes either. So he left at noon on a Wednesday and at 4pm I was at the tattoo parlor getting my nose pieced (as a co-worker watched).

So I just had my 45th birthday and I mentioned to him that he was going out of town soon and I was wondering what I should get pierced this time. You should have seen the look on his face. It was priceless.

His only comments were, "I would not be happy to come home to your nipples pierced and I really wouldn't like your genitals pierced either. So that doesn't leave you much."

I said, "Okay, maybe a tattoo then."

He said, "I think I would need to approve any design. I would have better judgment."

I'm having so much fun messing with him. He doesn't leave for a week and a half so I'm going to come up with some really awful designs to show him. LOL

I'm sure glad he has a sense of humor.

What are you doing home?

So as I'm writing my blog yesterday morning, R comes down the stairs and looks at me. The first thing out of his mouth is, "What are you doing home?" I look at him and say, "I took a vacation day. We only talked about it for over a week." His response was, "Oh." It did not start my day out well.

How could he forget that I was taking the day off to spend with him? Then he asked me what I wanted to do and everything I suggested he vetoed. So I cleaned the house while he ran to a couple of appointments. Then I suggested a couple of other things we could do - he again vetoed them. So finally I went and took a nap. What a waste of a vacation day. I should have gone to work. It's not like he would have missed me. Later in the evening he said was there anything you wanted to do today? I just looked at him and shook my head. I didn't know what to say to him without being a bitch, so I didn't say anything at all.

I don't know what today will bring but if he starts it off like yesterday, I'm going to go to work even though it is a Saturday.

August wish for magic pills

August has been an interesting month. My Dad has been in the hospital. My baby cat (yes, she is six years old but she's still my baby) has bladder stones and may be facing surgery, we'll know Monday. Work has been crazy and my birthday is Monday.

Dad hasn't been feeling well for over a year now. The doctor's have figured out the main problem but the medicine he has to take for that disease messes with his glaucoma. If he doesn't take the medicine the ramifications could be at the least blindness and the most death. Of course, with taking the medicine it causes his eye pressure to go up and that is bad for his glaucoma - which could cause him to go blind. Damned if you do and damned if you don't. His also been having breathing problems - this is what caused him to be in the hospital. I wish there was a magic pill to help him. I'm trying to spend more time with him but he is so tired and sleeps so much that when I'm out at the house he is in bed most of the time.

My sweet baby cat started having problems August 9th. The vet figured out she had 5 bladder stones August 11th. We've changed her food and they gave her an antibiotic plus pain meds. They gave us pain meds to give her and we're trying to see if the food and antibiotic will dissolve the stones, if not she'll be having a $980 surgery this coming week. There is not question as to if we will do the surgery or not, she is my baby and she will have it. R is in agreement but is not happy about the cost. I just remind him that we paid out a lot more for Sophie our 15 year old diabetic cat. She had diabetes for 5 years. We gave her a shot every morning and every evening. Planned trips around her (one us always stayed home). We rarely went on a trip together as we would have to board her and she hated being at the vets. Wish there was a magic pill to make the stones go away.

The big 45 on Monday. It doesn't seem possible that I'm going to be 45. I don't feel that old. Sometimes I forget how old I am, then I walk past a mirror and see myself and it is a shock that, that is me. I still picture myself in my mind in my 20's. I wish I still had the body I had in my 20's but I'm working on that. R doesn't say anything about my weight but I recently found out I weight more than he does, only by a few pounds but still that sucks. I've got to get moving. I know that is my problem - exercise - hate it! I want a magic pill for that too!

Feeling frustrated

So am I wrong to be frustrated that we got stood up last night? I feel like I do when I let me sister do her "Let me get back to you". Pissed that they didn't have the curtsy to call and say we're not going to make it. We show up where were suppose to meet and they never do. We stay for a while and then leave. Their excuses they send today - "having such a good time, lost track of time and he got me plastered". I'm sorry but those are not except-able excuses to me. You made plans with us and didn't bother to show up.

I know that I should let it get to me but it pisses me off. I'm not letting anyone treat me that way again. I put up with my sister doing that to me for over 10 years before I finally said enough and now I don't invite her to do anything. And what a change it made in my life. No more worrying over whether she'll show up or not. Even when I already knew the answer would be she wouldn't.

Just frustrated. I don't want to talk to either of them today. Maybe I will feel differently tomorrow. R said we shouldn't depend on them and we should have made other plans just in case. I was tired of "make just in case plans" and thought we had found dependable friends. Stupid me.

Dad

My Dad is not feeling well. He's been sick for over a year now. They know some of the things that are wrong but lately he has been having trouble breathing. They say there is not blood clots in his lungs but something is wrong. I'm very worried about him but there is nothing I can do but talk with Mom and Dad. I've talked with his main doctor (she happens to be mine also) so I think I'm going to call her again and talk with her. Something needs to be done to find out what is going on with him.

He has a very rare disease that they are treating but the medicine he is on causes his glaucoma pressure too go up. His had 3 eye surgery's in the last year and they don't seem to be helping. He can barely walk and has spells were he doesn't remember anything. Spells where he can't walk because he is dizzy and he runs into the walls, can't stand up. Mom is afraid to leave him alone for any length of time.

He was in the emergency room Friday afternoon but they sent him home even though the doctor had admit orders for him. I'm hoping that the doctor will be ticked at the emergency room doctor for sending him home and chew his ass. He needs to be in the hospital so they can run tests and find out what is wrong with him.

I don't want to lose my dad and if things keep up the way they are going, I'm going to lose him. He is only 76 years young. I want him around for a long time. He may be an ass sometimes but he's my dad and I love him regardless.

My Sister's betrayal

So I asked my sister several times if I could help in any way with the wedding and always got the same response. "No, there's nothing that you can do". So she posts on FB how she couldn't have pulled off the wedding without my brother and his loving wife.

Now let me tell you about my brothers so called loving wife. She calls my brother every name in the book and then some. She doesn't clean house. She adopted my brothers daughter from his first marriage a year after they got married (she was 13 at the time) and then told her she should go out and "Fuck whoever you want". Now you tell me what kind of "Mother" tells a 13 year old to do that? She is still verbally abuse to my niece (who is 24, married and has a child of her own now). My niece can't stand her. This so called loving person uses her two sons against my niece if she doesn't do something she wants her to, she won't allow her to see her brothers. She treats my parents the same way. I was smart and cut off contact with them several years ago, except on the rare family gatherings (Easter, Thanksgiving, Christmas) and if I can get out of those I will this year. And this is the person my sister choose over me to help with my niece's wedding.

I copied what my sister wrote and sent it to R. We talked about it when I got home and he told me I couldn't tell her to F off. I really want to do it. I'm tired of her hurting me. And yes, I know I am the one allowing her to do it. So it stops now. I will no longer allow it. My sister you no longer have power over me. You will not hurt me again. I don't have to see you ever again. I don't have to allow you into my life. I don't have to give you the power to hurt me. I take it back. I banish you from my life. Don't come crying to me when you want something as you always do. Go away be gone.

I sure wish it were that easy but I'm sure going to try to remove her from my life. Wish me luck. Why can't we divorce our families or can we?

The Wedding

My niece looking like a princess. Her gown was beautiful. She was radiant and her groom was very handsome. They make a wonderful couple. His ex-step Mom paid for the rehearsal dinner and their honeymoon.

I'm so happy for her so deserves to be happy and I hope they both have committed to a lasting marriage.

Not much else to say about the wedding. I don't want the negative things to mar the beauty of her day so I'll put that on another post.

The camping trip

So we're back from the camping trip. Learned a lot, saw a lot (somethings I really didn't want to see). Sometimes just because some place is clothing optional doesn't mean you should take your clothes off. I got brave on took my top off at the beach, nope the bottoms stayed on. R did strip down to his skin for the first time in his life. He enjoyed the water. If we go again, we'll be sure to take water noodles or floats of some kind.

The demos were interesting. R and I decided we are not into biting, thank but no thanks. And while the single tailed whips made an interesting sound, no way no how would they ever get near my body. We joked that I was growing my own anyway. My hair is very very long - down to the middle of my thighs when loose and when braided to the bottom of my butt. We're were going to tie a snappy to it but never got around to it.

We had a good time. I don't know if we'll go back to this event next year, I would but I don't know if R would but it was an enjoyable weekend.

Camping trip is almost here

So our first kinky camping trip is almost here. We leave tomorrow. It's clothing optional - no we still haven't decided it we're going clothing free. More than likely my shyness will keep my clothing on. R suggested skinny dipping first and see if I can "bare" it. Yes, I just gave him that look too. There are going to be several demo's going on during the day, they haven't said what they are going to be about but I'm sure they will be interesting. Plus there is going to be a wedding and a formal collaring ceremony on Saturday. So it will be a very full camping trip.

We'll have to get an early start back on Sunday since we have a wedding to go to in the afternoon. But I'm hoping to beautiful weather, not to get a sunburn and to a have a great time.

Missing him

R has been working a lot lately so we haven't been able to spend much time together. I get home from work and he leaves about 10 minutes later. The evenings have been very lonely. He's been able to call me on the phone and talk for a few minutes each evening but it's not the same as being together at home. Even when we're not in the same room at home, I know he is still here in the house and I can just walk into the other room to see him. Touch him, kiss him, tell him I love him. I know that this time apart will only last a few more days but remember to cherish the time you have together with the one you love.

When he's frustrated

So I need to remember when R is frustrated and offers to spank me, my answer should be "No, thank you." He had received calls to go to Joplin, MO, this is where the tornado hit and destroyed a third of the town (so far the death count is 89), but since he had 4 assignments set up for Monday morning he couldn't go. He was trying to find other photographers to go in his place and I was trying to help by finding phone numbers, sending text (because he doesn't text) and send facebook messages ( no facebook page either).

Got one agency taken care off and in the mean time, another one called for him to go. So the search was on again to find another photographer (one that he trusts to do a good job) to go. By this time it was very late in the evening and we hadn't had dinner, showered and I think he just really needed to take his frustration out on someone or something - my backside.

When he offered to spank me, I knew that you needed to work off some frustration so of course I said yes. He at least let us shower before he started in on me. Wow, can he smack when he wants too. Normally he is gentler but not Sunday night. He worked out his needs on my backside, back, thighs. He didn't leave any bruises but I'm still a little tender. I'm glad I could help him relieve his stress but next time I might suggest something else.

The Dye Job

So I dyed my hair Saturday morning while R was out of town. He kept pointing out the few gray hairs I had in my hair, so I thought fine I'll get rid of them. I didn't want something drastic or noticeable just something to cover the few gray hairs.

Now I have never dyed my hair before, back in the early 80's when "frosting" was all the thing, I did have that done. So dying my hair was a new experience for me. Boy it is messy and smelly. Ruined a towel from the dye. Rubbed this form into my dry hair and then had to let it set for 25 minutes. What are you suppose to do for 25 minutes with dye in your hair? If it touches anything it will turn it whatever color you are dying your hair. So I'm walking around the house naked for 25 minutes, the cats don't even want anything to do with me because I stink.

Finally I get to rinse my hair out, I decide the kitchen sink is the best place to do this, as I don't want this dye in the shower or on the rest of my body. The little that got in the bathroom sink was a bitch to get clean. Hair rinsed (and I have a lot of it- it's very long, down to the middle of my thighs). I can finally shower and see what it's going to look like.

I'm a little shocked when I look in the mirror, my hair looks black. My hair is dark brown. But it doesn't look bad. I dry it a little with the hair dryer and go meet my Mom. She doesn't even notice. I finally have to tell her. She says it looks great.

R gets home late Saturday afternoon, I know he is tired. He doesn't say anything. Nothing all day Sunday. Finally Sunday night while I'm getting ready for bed, I ask him, do you notice anything different about me?

R says , "No."

I tell him I colored my hair.

R says, "Why'd you do that? You didn't have that many gray hairs."

I really wanted to smack him at this point. He was the one the kept pointing them out to me.

Men!

The Camper 2

So we had said we would buy this camper and we said we would stop looking at them but Monday night I get home from work and

"R" says "I found your prefect camper."

I said, "I thought we weren't looking anymore?"

R "Well, we aren't."

Me, "Then why did you look again?"

R, "I couldn't help myself."

Me, "So are we still buying the other camper?"

R, "Yes, this one is to heavy."

Me, "Then why did you tell me about it?"

R, "Because it had everything you wanted."

Me - I gave him the look and excused myself to do my normal after work things.

So yesterday, I looked at campers on line and found one that had everything we wanted (okay, so not everything - it didn't have the outside storage R wanted). Since he was a smart ass to me on Monday I sent him the links. When I got home last night, he had called on them. We went and looked at one of them last night and decided to buy it instead of the 1st one.

The 1st camper owner said no big deal, they had other offers more than what we had offered but after they had excepted ours so they are going to get a better deal also. So Saturday we go to pick up our new used camper. And I got dinner out of the deal last night too.

I have a feeling I'm going to have to pay for being a smart ass tonight. My ass my be tender on Friday or at least one can hope. LOL

A camper or two

So we looking for a camper (again). We decided a little over a year ago that we weren't going to camp any more so sold your travel trailer and tow vehicle. Now we've decided that we made a bad decision and want a camper again. But since we don't have the same tow vehicle we can't get a travel trail so we're back to pop-up's (yuck - I'll miss my personal potty).

We've been looking for about a month and a half now and found two last night that would work. We put a deposit down on the first one. And then went to look at the second having already made up our minds that we weren't getting it. But you now how that goes. It was in great condition, a little smaller but had the outside storage that "R" (that's what I've decide to call my husband) wants and has a electric lift system. The bed is only a double so we'll be a little tight sleeping but according to R I take my half out of the middle any way so it doesn't matter. LOL

Neither camper is ready to be picked up as they both have to be cleaned and/or repairs down to them but we have to make a decision this morning. I really hate making rush decisions. And R is never one to make them. I know we don't need a camper until the end of June but we don't want to wait until then to get one.

R told me if I sent him another truck link he wouldn't spank me anymore. LOL I told him that's what he gets for sleeping in until 10 am and not calling me at 9 like he normally does. Some of us have to get up and go to work early every day of the work week.

Hopefully, I'll get a spanking tonight as he is leaving on an overnight trip Friday and won't be home until late Saturday. I don't like it when he is gone. I get really horny and can't seem to keep the vibrator after from my clit. I don't know what I would do if he told me I couldn't touch myself while he was gone. He'd have to tie me up because I don't think I could do it.

Fixing Dinner = a spanking

So I put a brisket on Monday night since it takes so long to cook (love crock pots). Husband was home most of the day on Tuesday and he had to smell it all day. LOL But he knew he was going to get a wonderful dinner. He told me since he had to smell it all day I was getting a spanking. Yummy!

I need to find all those recipe books with overnight or all day long crock pot recipes so I can make him smell dinner all day, now that I know that equals a spanking. Not a bad start to the week.

1st spanking party and other stuff

So we went to our first spanking party April 29th. It was fun. There were a lot of people there and there was some spanking going on. We talked and laughed with a bunch of people. My hubby did spank me in a dark corner of the room late in the evening. I was giggling at first, I couldn't help myself. I didn't think we would ever go to anything like this kind of party.

We're going to the Kinky Kamp Out in June. That was another big shocker for me. I didn't think the Hubby would go for going to a clothing optional camp out. I bought the tickets last night so we're committed to going. I'm excited about going but nerves too. I've never been naked in public. Glad it is clothing optional since I'm not sure either of us are ready to strip off and bare it all. Guess we'll find out at the end of June. LOL

In the mean time, I'm trying to get the old body into better shape. I've lost 18 pounds since November of 2010 so that is a start but I have a long way to go. Took me a while to put it one so it will take a while to take it off. Love that I figured out I can read my kindle on the treadmill, so I'm more inclined to go on it and workout. Would love to loose another 20 pounds by the end of June but I think that is pushing it. Oh well, nothing says I have to take off my clothes.

I'm not a pain slut

Okay, so I got spanked by a female Top Friday night. My husband and hers were there to watch they both wanted it to happen and so it did. I still wasn't to sure about it but I was giggling when it first started but not for long. Wow, can she smack. I am not a pain slut. I thought I had a high tolerance for pain but I guess I don't. I had to say enough a few times. I did not like the spatula at all. They can stay in the kitchen. I'm hoping the husband does not remember how much I did not like that implement. Loved the belt and candle wax - YUMMY! I've still got bruises from Friday night.

Husband offered Wednesday night to spank me, I declined. But I might be ready tonight. He did say he learned a lot be watching what she did and he asked a lot of questions the next couple of days. I think he is wanting to test out his new skills. LOL

His birthday is tomorrow and you'll never guess what he wants - a blow job. That's what he always asks for, it's not like he can't have one anytime he wants but for some reason he always asks for that on his birthday. He might have to get it a day early or a day late since we'll have a house full of people on his actual day.

New Adventure

So the husband has agreed to let someone else spank me Friday night. I don't know if I like this idea or not especially since this other person is a woman. I mean I do know this person and have known her for a long time but still no one has ever spanked as an adult but my husband. We've talked about it and I know he is excited about it. He wants to learn somethings from her and I think he will differently learn how to spank me is new ways. LOL run and hide LOL

I am kind of excited about it but since we've never done anything like this before it will be a first. At least it will be in our home so we will be comfortable and I can stop it at any time. Wish me luck. I've got the aranca cream ready to rub on for after care. Her husband keeps egging me on with stories of how she is going to just whale on my back side, he is not helping the cause.

"Ashia" a blogger I read said the follow:

"Guilt is what you feel when you’ve done something wrong.

Shame is what you feel when someone else has done something wrong and you’re taking responsibility for it.”

That definition has given me lots of “aha moments” both for myself and other people.

So i corrected myself.

Everyone deserves respect.

Part of the point of the BDSM community is that we understand that one can be submissive, can be into cock worship and spankings and all kinds of things and still deserve respect. They do not need to know me personally to know that. i don’t have to “earn” that respect – it’s a starting place for all of us.

It that’s not the starting place for them, that’s about them, not me."

She has such incite. I just loved what she had to say.

What a turn around two weeks can make....

so it has been two weeks since we went to our first demo and things sure have turned around. He is willing to talk about the lifestyle and even agreed to go to a spanking party but then found out it was 2 hours away. So we're not going to the spanking party but we did go to the Social Friday night. It was at a Gay Bar here in town. Met up with my friend and her husband from high school. Had a great time. Met a few new people and enjoyed ourselves.

He told me it has help to be able to talk with someone else that wasn't really interested in this lifestyle but their spouse wants to be, so things are great right now. We are talking and looking forward to spending time and learning more together.

Conflicted

I'm so conflicted right now. I really need to talk to the husband but there doesn't seem to be any time. He has been working and hasn't been home. The short time he has been home he has been too busy to really sit down and talk. And what I want to talk about needs time, maybe days of time to talk about, discuss, mull over, digest.

Where are we going? What are we doing? Does he want to go there with me? How far does he want to go, if so? A D/S or A DD? Will he talk about it? Will he really listen or just pretend too? Is he willing to talk to someone who knows a lot more about this lifestyle to learn about it or will he turn his back once again? I want to learn. I need to learn. I have to learn about this. It is a craving in my soul. I need to be able to give the control up to him and only him. I trust him with my life and soul. I know that he would never take it to far but I need that release and he is the only one that can give it to me. I know he doesn't understand that but I hope I can convey it to him.

My job sucks right now. I want to quit but can't because we need the insurance. I feel the pressure to make sure I don't loose my job but I don't know how long the company will stay open because they can't pay their bills. So how can I keep my job if the company can't pay their bills. Are they even paying the insurance? Are they paying our taxes? Are we going to walk into work one day to find the doors locked to us and we're screwed? How will we manage if I loose my job?

I'm discontent and don't want to end up like my Dad was in his job. Grumpy and mean to the people I'm suppose to love because I hate my job. I don't want to be bitter like my Mom because my sister and brother are assholes and treat her like shit.

I'm just very very unhappy at the moment and I don't see how to fix it.

Lost feeling

I've had a lost feeling the last several weeks. Things in both work life and home life seem to be up in the air. I can't get a grip on anything. I feel out of control and I don't like this feeling.

My work - we lost a major account. It just happened to be my account, no fault of my own, the money grubbers in accounting wanted more money so they made demands on the client. He found someone else to do the work. Stupid a.. accounting department. I don't know why they had to stick they noses in were it didn't belong. So now, they don't know what they are going to do with me. I could become the flunky to two people in our department and I don't know if I want that or not. I don't mind the work but it is not what I planned to do with my life. Yeah, I'm 44 years old and don't know what I want to be when I grow up.

Home life - we were suppose to talk about D/S vs. DD relationship tonight but that didn't happen. He was busy trying to get his computer set up for a large work project this week. I know that has to be done but I really needed to talk with him. We did manage to squeeze in 1 1/2 hours of yoga which did us both good. We haven't gone in several months. I think it helps keep me centered. Too think we use to go at least twice a week and then I would do it at home at least that many times. Plus mediation, which I haven't done in six months or more. The treadmill got dug out of its corner over the weekend so I'm going to get my butt back on it this week. It still doesn't solve the communication problem we are having but I'll try again tomorrow to talk with him. I just hope he at least read from some of the links I sent him but I don't think he did, thus the avoiding of the subject tonight.

Demo Virgin or Is this your first time here?

So we went to our first Demo Saturday night. After we paid and walked in a little ways, this women walks up to me and says I know you. Of course, I would meet someone I haven't seen since high school. Of all places, LOL. We talked for a while and she told me, that this was their 3rd time coming to a meeting/demo and that her husband had got her to come to the meetings. While I had gotten my husband to come to it. (Why is it the submissive one is the one talking the Dominate one into going to these?)

The demo was on Flogging. Yes, Flogging. It was a great demo. Husband said he learned somethings and that we would try them. I introduced him to someone I had met with over a year ago and it was nice seeing her and her boy again.

We got to see our first dungeon. It was interesting. There were a few people taking advantage of the equipment but it seemed pretty quiet. Of course, I'm just guess at this since it was our first time there.

Being the wall flower that I am, I saw a couple of other people that I might of befriend on another site but was to chicken to just walk over to them and say hi - I'm heather. We've talked on ... Maybe next time, at least I hope there will be a next time.

Guilt - Deserved or Nor?

So I'm holding the husband to a promise he made me a year ago. He promised to go to a demo with me but it had to be one I really wanted to go to and have meaning to me. So that day has come or will come on Saturday when a Flogging demo is held. And of course, he doesn't want to go. But after a long talk on the phone, we are going.
Now I feel guilty for forcing him to go. I know he doesn't want to go and the only reason he is going is because I want to go. Oh and I said I would go without him. I know I know that is really bad, but I really want to go to this demo. They don't offer it often and I think he could learn a lot from seeing the proper way to flog. I know it will be to intense for him. He grew up in a house hold that always showed proper respect for women - no hitting. So for him to flog me or spank me is asking a lot of him.
He tried to joke about it by the end of the conversation, telling me I had to pay the cost to get in (I had to confess that I was already a member and had been for 2 years, so it won't cost me to get in until the membership runs out). That got an "Oh, really" out of him. I didn't hide it. I wrote a check for the membership. I just didn't tell him what it was for.
But the guilt has set in already so by Saturday - it should be really bad. Knowing my luck, I'll make myself sick worrying about the guilt of making him keep his promise.
The joy of life.

Frustration

He promised me a year ago that he would go to a demo with me. One that I really wanted to go to, that was of real interest to me. So now that, that time has come, he is backing out. I just want to scream. We talked briefly about it yesterday while I was at work, not the best place to discuss a Flogging demo. He said we'd talk about it me when I got home.
The minute I walked in the door, he was all over me. Grabbed me, pulled me to him and started dominating me. I loved ever minute of it but he was avoiding the subject we needed to talk about all evening.
He waited until I was climbing into bed to bring it up. I said "Can talk about it tomorrow?" Him knowing that he wouldn't be home that evening to talk about anything said yes. So come Saturday night, I'm sure we won't be going to the demo. Or maybe he won't be going and I'll put my foot down and go by myself.

Stressed out

Can one get to stressed out. I was very snippy with the husband last night. I just wanted to be left alone and he kept bothering me. He'd take a phone call and instead of staying in his office, he'd come out into the kitchen or the living room, where I was trying to relax and unwind from a very stressful day and talk on the phone. I think he finally got the hint when I kept glaring at him. I know it wasn't nice but I just wanted to be left alone.
I'm still stressed out this morning. I wish he would have just put me over his knee and spanked me but since I have a doctor's appointment this morning that would not have been a good idea. Maybe tonight he will. We've been working on that aspect of our relationship. He grew up in a household that you don't hit but I want him to spank me. He doesn't want to but will for me but he stops before I want him too. Hopefully one day we'll be able to reach an accord. Also, he doesn't get that a spanking doesn't always have to lead to sex. Sometimes, I just want to be spanked.
There is a demo I want to go to in March I'm hoping he will go with me but I haven't talked with him yet about it. Going to wait until it gets closer.
I want a damn spanking!

Light Bulbs

Last week I sent an email to my husband after I got to work asking him to change the light bulbs in the lamp next to the love seat in the living room. I knew that he had no assignments that day so would be home all day.

Several hours later, I received an email back from him, "How many husband's does it take to change a light bulb?"

I thought I'd play along and sent back, "One handsome one."

That evening, while I was on the phone, the husband went to get dinner (he wanted BBQ ribs) and after getting off the phone. I approached the lamp. Click light came on, click nothing, click nothing. He hadn't changed the burned out light bulbs. So I went and found the bulbs and changed them. I left the boxes on the counter so he would see them when he got home.

"Oh no, I didn't change the bulbs. How many husband's does it take to change light bulbs?" My reply, "One Wife."

So, I've been giving him grief all week, just by saying light bulb.

I'm sure glad he has a sense of humor

Disappointment

Sometimes somethings and some people aren't what you expect. Just like Lust Drive turned out not to be as beautiful as I first thought it would be, a blogger I follow also has a twitter account so I flagged to follow them.

I was very disappointed. I guess I expected the same wit and intelligence in their tweets as I have come to expect from their blog. They have pretty much stopped blogging so that is why I turned to twitter to follow them. As I had just gotten my new phone with the new bells and whistles, I didn't realize that ever tweet was a text message. Oops, had over 700 texts (and I only have a 200 text plan for the month). I had to change that fast.

My blogger's tweets while some were just everyday things (which I did expect) the rest where just links. All the links were porn. I'm at work and the person that I've been admiring through their blog is at home looking at porn all day. Not really what I expected. I've since turned off their tweets to my phone. I'll check twitter once a week or so to see if this person posted anything interesting but it still more of the same. Porn porn and more porn.

I think I'm going to find someone else to follow on twitter and hope this person goes back to blogging. Their blog was always thought provoking and interesting. I can't say the same for their tweets.

Very Domestic Weekend

I was feeling very domestic this weekend. I baked homemade bread. Kneading the dough and watching it rise. Punching it down and arranging it in the loaf pans. Smelling it as it baked. Yummy. We managed to eat one whole loaf that evening.

Sunday I made Chocolate chip cookies from scratch. I have never been one to make things from a box but I've become lazy when it comes to brownies. It is just easy to open that box, add an egg, some oil and water and like magic brownies. But they are never as good as when I make them from scratch.

I didn't use the Nestle Toll House recipe when I made the cookies this time. I purchased a cookbook at a garage sale over the summer. I love old cook books. This one was published in 1963 (older than me). So this is were I got the bread recipe and the cookie recipe. Both are out of this world wonderful. Husband even said the cookies were better with this recipe.

I did get a spanking later in the evening. Not for anything I did wrong, I think it was more of a Thank you for all my hard work in the kitchen. Maybe I'll have to spend more time with this cookbook and see if I get the same results.

The weekends here...

and we're going out. Yeah! We don't go out often. We tend to stay home. He likes to joke we are hermits but we do have friends over a lot during the warmer times of the year.

Last night we made love. No ropes, whips, paddles or gags. Just straight vanilla love making. It was very nice. He achieved orgasm before me and asked if I needed the vibrator. I said, yes. He handed it to me and said, Um, I'm going to leave you to it and go start dinner. (He was grilling so he wanted to start before it got too dark out). I had to chuckle, so he left me in bed with the vibrator to finish. Dinner was great. He is the best griller. LOL

Lust Dr

When I take the back roads home from work, I drive by this road "Lust Dr". Lust Drive, what I can see of it, is a winding little road. In the spring the trees down the road would bloom and fill in so that it looks secluded and peaceful. In the winter, the trees have lost their leaves and look bleak but the name still gives this road much character.

For several years I just drove by it and chuckled about the lane of the street. Then one spring day I made that left hand turn. I slowed down, since no one was behind me and took my time driving down Lust Drive. Those first couple of winding curves were as beautiful as they looked. The third curve brought my car to a stop, Lust Drive had turned into run down houses, over grown yards and junk piled in the yards. It got worse as I drove along the road.

I wished I could go back and not make that left-hand turn. Sometimes it's best to leave things to your imagination.

snowy day

Snow, snow and more snow. Enough snow! I'm not sure if I'll even be able to make it to work tomorrow due to the snow. I never miss work but they are calling for 7 to 10 inches of snow. My car only has a 9 inch clearance.

Stupid snow.

Stupid Cold Ramblings

So I've been sick the last few days and I don't like it. Why is it that when you don't feel good, it is always the busiest time of the month? Work is busy, life is busy and I really didn't need to be sick! I stayed home from work 2 days because of the stupid cold. I've not been able to do the housework or see to Sir's needs as he doesn't want to get sick.

The cats have enjoyed my being home. It's always nice to have a lap available or someone to snuggle with in bed. With the snow they haven't asked to go outside.